These are the days of my life...

This was also written some time ago (a year and a half ago) when I was in a bad place.  I'm taking these writings from my account on deviantArt.  I want everything in one place, if possible.

Also- to note.  I ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks the day after I wrote this.  My husband says that after I wrote this I went up to my room (a spare room where all my books are) and just started hacking up my arms.  When  he came to check on me, I was crying and bleeding all over the place.  I don't remember it.  Besides all the drugs and alcohol in my system at the time, I tend to disassociate at times like these. 


Lately I've been reliving things that I keep trying to forget.  It's causing me pain, these things are starting to haunt me again.  Living with these memories / nightmares for over 30 years is enough.  I sometimes think that I've "recovered" from my PTSD but I think I've just stuffed my memories where I don't have to think about  them daily.  I want to cry but I've wasted so many years feeling bad for myself.  I'm disappointed with myself.  I'm starting to beat up on myself.  This only leads to one place. 

First- I start to numb myself.  Right now I'm taking Valium, Klonopin, Percocet, Seroquel, Prozac and alcohol to wash it all down.  I know, not a good combination.  No- I am not taking them as prescribed.

Second-  I get frustrated that the drugs aren't working so I start hurting myself.  I'll try everything I can before I get to cutting because cutting is what I really want to do.  I can convince myself that if I'm only scratching or punching, then things aren't really that bad. 

Third- My husband will start stressing because he is watching all of this and he know's that I usually end up in the hospital.  But it's been a couple years since my last hospital stay so I'll probably go see my shrink first.  That usually means a med change, again.


I'm still trying to stuff everything but I keep having flashbacks.  I see the punches, rapes, screaming, crying, hiding, hurting.  It's starting to consume me again and I don't know what to do different this time.