Thursday, August 25, 2011
relief
I finally gave in. I just cut. I didn't cut too much. Just enough to feel better. Not enough to feel good but better. My husband will be home in 2 hours and I'll have to let him down, again. Sometimes I fucking hate myself, now is one of those times. So much for feeling better.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
struggle
I'm still struggling with not cutting. I haven't cut in a while, I don't count scratches I do at work when I'm about to explode because customers are treating me like a fucking idiot. Just because I'm working retail, it doesn't mean that I don't have a college degree. It means that I am willing to do what it takes to pay my bills. If I can't do the work that I went to school for, because there are no job opportunities where I live, it doesn't mean that I haven't had a career. Whatever, people suck. What I was saying is that I'm trying really hard not to cut, as I've mentioned before.
My husband is annoying me right now because he can tell that I want to cut, so he keeps asking me if I'm okay. By "okay" he means- "have you cut?" He knows that if I cut I will feel good, he can actually hear the relief in my voice, he'll call to check in with me and as soon as he hears my voice he knows if I've cut. It's kinda freaky that he knows me so well. It's awesome but freaky.
My husband is an emotional eater, as am I. When he's stressed out he eats junk food and then he'll feel better. I don't give him a hard time for stress/over eating. I understand how much better it makes him feel, it's not healthy but-it is what it is. I kinda feel like he's being a hypocrite by getting upset and making me feel guilty for cutting. Cutting is my overeating. Why is it okay for him and not for me? If we were drug addicts and my drug of choice was heroin and his drug of choice was meth; it would be like him saying- "it's okay for you to do meth because I do meth, it's not okay for you to do heroin because I don't like it."
Am I just trying to justify my cutting? I don't think so but I am also desperately wanting to cut so maybe I'm not thinking straight.
My husband is annoying me right now because he can tell that I want to cut, so he keeps asking me if I'm okay. By "okay" he means- "have you cut?" He knows that if I cut I will feel good, he can actually hear the relief in my voice, he'll call to check in with me and as soon as he hears my voice he knows if I've cut. It's kinda freaky that he knows me so well. It's awesome but freaky.
My husband is an emotional eater, as am I. When he's stressed out he eats junk food and then he'll feel better. I don't give him a hard time for stress/over eating. I understand how much better it makes him feel, it's not healthy but-it is what it is. I kinda feel like he's being a hypocrite by getting upset and making me feel guilty for cutting. Cutting is my overeating. Why is it okay for him and not for me? If we were drug addicts and my drug of choice was heroin and his drug of choice was meth; it would be like him saying- "it's okay for you to do meth because I do meth, it's not okay for you to do heroin because I don't like it."
Am I just trying to justify my cutting? I don't think so but I am also desperately wanting to cut so maybe I'm not thinking straight.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
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