I'm scared

For the past few months my mother has been going to a doctor because she had some blood tests that didn't come back normal.  She has some levels with her liver that show something is wrong.  So an ultrasound was done and masses were found on her liver.  I live over 1000 miles from my family so I have to hear all of this over the phone.  My mom has been down-playing the severity of what's going on.  She's trying to protect me because she knows that I am automatically thinking the worst.  She keeps saying "don't worry", "wait until we know more", etc.  So she was referred to a hematologist but when she received the pre-appointment paperwork it said The Cancer Center.  So her appointment is tomorrow, she got a call to reminder her of the appointment and at that time she was told that she should bring someone with her "for support".

I'm sorry but does any of this sound like it's something not to worry about?  I am so sick about all of this right now.  My husband is scared of how I'm handling everything.  He actually said that he thinks I'm fragile.  First his sister commits suicide and now this thing with my mom.  I asked him what he means by 'fragile' and he said that he's scared that I'm going to fall apart.  He pointed out that I've fallen apart (meaning becoming suicidal, disassociating and ending up in the hospital) when life isn't very stressful.  Some times I just lose my shit and get locked up.  Right now I feel fine but that doesn't mean anything because I've gone from great and functioning to hospitalized in less than 24 hours.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.  I'm trying to stay strong because my mom is scared that this is going to push me over the edge, my husband is scared that this will break me.  I'm kinda scared too, but I'm clinging to my sanity.  I can't afford to fall apart.  Who can?  I'm scared because I can see it happening.  It makes me feel weak.  Life isn't fair to anyone.  Why do I get to check out?  It's times like these that I really despise my "mental illness".  I know what's happening, I see it coming; but then it hits and I have zero control.  I'm just stressing myself out more.

this says and explains everything for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwwUZT4vD9E


It's scary but comforting at the same time.  The person who created this video seems to have lived my life, or I've lived theirs.  Add the rapes/sexual assaults and this explains how I ended up the way I am.

something to look forward to

It's really hard adjusting to the fact that someone you loved committed suicide.  It's been 17 days and I still want to cry.  It's really given me a new outlook.  I've attempted suicide 3 times, all 3 landed me in the ER and all 3 landed me in long-term psychiatric hospitalizations.  My sister-in-law was always someone that I could share those darkest feelings with without feeling judged.  I knew she understood; unfortunately she understood too well.  I know that I am in an okay place right now.  My medications are doing their job and I'm stable.  I'd like to say that I won't end up in a hospital again, but lets be real- I never thought that I would end up in one to begin with!  Let alone 5 separate times.  This is not who I wanted to be when I was a little girl but I'm slowly becoming okay with who I am.  It's about time- I'm closer to 40 than 30 at this point!

Today is my step-daughters 17th birthday!  God I feel old saying that.  I've been in her life since she was 5.  We never went with the whole "step daughter or mother" thing but I can't claim credit for her existence; but I can claim some credit for who she is today.  She's had some rough years and I worry about her at times.  She ran away from her mother's house a few times (when she was 13), got arrested, was doing drugs, having sex, got hospitalized and started cutting (that broke my heart!).  She got some counseling and was on medication for a while.  She's been doing good for the last 4 years.  Then last year one of her friends committed suicide, that was a rough time for her but she worked through it.  Then her aunt committed suicide a few weeks ago, that's been a little harder to work through but I think she's doing okay.

The thing that I'm looking forward to is- in 9 days we're going to Universal Studios for a whole week!  It's to celebrate my daughters' and husbands' birthdays.  We all need to have some brainless fun!  Universal is perfect for that and I can't wait.