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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I'm scared

For the past few months my mother has been going to a doctor because she had some blood tests that didn't come back normal.  She has some levels with her liver that show something is wrong.  So an ultrasound was done and masses were found on her liver.  I live over 1000 miles from my family so I have to hear all of this over the phone.  My mom has been down-playing the severity of what's going on.  She's trying to protect me because she knows that I am automatically thinking the worst.  She keeps saying "don't worry", "wait until we know more", etc.  So she was referred to a hematologist but when she received the pre-appointment paperwork it said The Cancer Center.  So her appointment is tomorrow, she got a call to reminder her of the appointment and at that time she was told that she should bring someone with her "for support".

I'm sorry but does any of this sound like it's something not to worry about?  I am so sick about all of this right now.  My husband is scared of how I'm handling everything.  He actually said that he thinks I'm fragile.  First his sister commits suicide and now this thing with my mom.  I asked him what he means by 'fragile' and he said that he's scared that I'm going to fall apart.  He pointed out that I've fallen apart (meaning becoming suicidal, disassociating and ending up in the hospital) when life isn't very stressful.  Some times I just lose my shit and get locked up.  Right now I feel fine but that doesn't mean anything because I've gone from great and functioning to hospitalized in less than 24 hours.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.  I'm trying to stay strong because my mom is scared that this is going to push me over the edge, my husband is scared that this will break me.  I'm kinda scared too, but I'm clinging to my sanity.  I can't afford to fall apart.  Who can?  I'm scared because I can see it happening.  It makes me feel weak.  Life isn't fair to anyone.  Why do I get to check out?  It's times like these that I really despise my "mental illness".  I know what's happening, I see it coming; but then it hits and I have zero control.  I'm just stressing myself out more.

3 comments:

  1. It Does sound like something to worry about, but they want to make things easier on you if possible, plus no one knows for sure until all the tests come back. Hope she ends up being ok, you'll get through it.

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  2. I hope you're right. I don't know what I'll do if she's sick. I don't know how I'll get through it. I guess just a day at a time.

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  3. I know how it is to feel the need to be strong for your mom. I have many mental health issues, and after my fathers death from pancreatic cancer in Aug 2011, many in my family thought i would end up in a psych ward. Well I held strong for my mom as long as I could but just 6 days ago i ended up in the psych ward. Parents will always worry about there children, but it is better to end up hospitalized then end up dead. Obviously that would make it worse.

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