something to look forward to

It's really hard adjusting to the fact that someone you loved committed suicide.  It's been 17 days and I still want to cry.  It's really given me a new outlook.  I've attempted suicide 3 times, all 3 landed me in the ER and all 3 landed me in long-term psychiatric hospitalizations.  My sister-in-law was always someone that I could share those darkest feelings with without feeling judged.  I knew she understood; unfortunately she understood too well.  I know that I am in an okay place right now.  My medications are doing their job and I'm stable.  I'd like to say that I won't end up in a hospital again, but lets be real- I never thought that I would end up in one to begin with!  Let alone 5 separate times.  This is not who I wanted to be when I was a little girl but I'm slowly becoming okay with who I am.  It's about time- I'm closer to 40 than 30 at this point!

Today is my step-daughters 17th birthday!  God I feel old saying that.  I've been in her life since she was 5.  We never went with the whole "step daughter or mother" thing but I can't claim credit for her existence; but I can claim some credit for who she is today.  She's had some rough years and I worry about her at times.  She ran away from her mother's house a few times (when she was 13), got arrested, was doing drugs, having sex, got hospitalized and started cutting (that broke my heart!).  She got some counseling and was on medication for a while.  She's been doing good for the last 4 years.  Then last year one of her friends committed suicide, that was a rough time for her but she worked through it.  Then her aunt committed suicide a few weeks ago, that's been a little harder to work through but I think she's doing okay.

The thing that I'm looking forward to is- in 9 days we're going to Universal Studios for a whole week!  It's to celebrate my daughters' and husbands' birthdays.  We all need to have some brainless fun!  Universal is perfect for that and I can't wait.