Trigger Warning

I have been desperate to cut lately.  There are a few reasons why.  One-  I haven't cut really 'good' in a long time.  By good I mean a lot of cuts and a lot of blood.  Two- I've cut back on one of my meds, a mood stabilizer, because I can't afford to go the my psychiatrist so I can't get refills and I need to make the meds I have last.  Three- I am slowing accruing more debt, a major stress for me.

My husband freaks when I cut.  He understands why I cut, well he understands the best that a non-cutter can understand.  The thing that scares the shit out of him is trying to imagine the amount of pain I must be in that cutting/hurting myself is better than that pain.  So- when he sees a cut he knows that I'm not okay.

I have been self injuring for over 20 years.  I started out punching things, breaking bones, burning and then I discovered cutting.  Cutting is my favorite.  I love to see fresh cuts all over my arms.  Especially on my forearms.  I love my scars, seeing them makes me feel good.  Every scar I see reminds me that I AM strong enough to keep going.  I used to drink a lot, I've done a shit load of drugs.  I lost around 5 years of my life to drugs and alcohol; but I'm okay with that.  I love drugs.  I just can't do them and maintain a full time job at the same time. 

But I digress-  some years ago I moved from the northern part of the country to the southern part.  The #1 change- the weather.  Living in the north allowed me to wear long sleeves, you know where this is going, right?  I haven't been able to do any good cutting on my forearms in years.  I can't wait to move to a colder climate so I can resume my old cutting habits.  How sick is that?  Of course, I want to move for more reasons than cutting but that's another post.

I try so hard to not cut.  This is for my husband, not me.  If I had my way, I would cut everyday.  Just because it makes me feel good.  I would love to feel good about something every day.  Feeling good about anything is a rarity for me.  Right now I am frustrated and all over the place.  I guess this is another thing that has been making me want to cut. 

I have not been able to function without meds for a long time.  Every time I try to get off meds I end up in the hospital because I become suicidal so quickly.  Everyone's response to that is- stop trying to go off your meds!  Does anyone else feel this way?  Can anyone relate to how it feels to have to take 6 pills a day just to be "normal"?  It really upsets me.  I should just accept it, right?  My mom says-"If you had diabetes you wouldn't think twice about taking insulin, right?"  "If you had cancer, you'd go to chemo, right?"  Right!  I get it.  But it doesn't change the way I feel.  I get angry that I have to take anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, mood stabilizers...  Why is it so upsetting!?  So ever now and then I take it upon myself to lower my douses.   Yes, I know- I'm not a doctor.  Yes, I know- stupid, stupid, stupid.  But this is what I do.  I think- I've been doing good for a while.  It's been a year or two since my last hospitalization.  I've been stable for a couple of months/years now.  So I cut back.  Then I fall apart.  I fall apart so fast!  Usually within a week.  Then I do something stupid, I obsess about suicide.  Every singe thought is about suicide.  How good it would feel to kill myself.  How good it would feel???!!!  That is a crazy person's thought!  But then I drink and then I try to follow through.  It's usually a pitiful attempt, not really a full attempt.  I've only (only?!) had 3 really good attempts that landed me in the hospital for months.  Yuck, that's another post too.

Okay- I need to stop rambling because I don't even know where I started with this.  This is why I started this blog though.  So, if you're reading this- wow.  Tell me what you think.  I really do listen.