I am so tired right now. Tired physically and tired mentally. I'm tired of having to take pills everyday just so I can go out into the world and pretend that life is great because no one wants to hear when life isn't great. I'm tired of the fact that I want to hurt myself constantly. I'm wanting to drink more and I'm thinking about how I can get drugs to make me numb. I have to be careful right now because times like these land me in the hospital 90% of the time. My husband is noticing which means that I'm not doing so good pretending. A month from now I'm going on vacation for 12 days, maybe that's why I'm weakening. I have a temporary end in sight.
Does anyone else have much experience with different medications? I've been on approximately 20 different meds over the last 10-15 years. Right now I'm on Lamictal, Seroquel, and Wellbutrin. I'm always on 3-5 different meds at any time. I'm wondering if there's something out there that I haven't tried. There must be.
I know I'm feeling bad for myself and it's pretty pitiful. I just get resentful sometimes and I know that I need to find a way to deal with the things that eat at me. But sometimes I can't deal. I'm angry that I have to take pills everyday just to pretend that I'm normal. Even with all these drugs in me my mind still screams "suicide" constantly. I hate the men that raped me and sexually abused me! I hate the fact that they are living their lives. I hate that they killed me inside and have probably forgotten that I even exist. I meant nothing to them yet they still haunt me today. I can't forget that they exist and I wish I could! God I fucking hate myself some days.
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