I am so tired of the roller coaster.  I have a day like yesterday where I am full of self hatred and now I have today where I just don't care.  Going from such hate to nothing is exhausting.  You wouldn't think it would be, I mean- I'm not actually doing anything.   In trying not to cut I've spent the day resorting to the rubber band thing.  I snap my wrist when I want to cut.  I'm not sure I'm doing it right because the inside of my wrist has horrible welts on it and I actually drew blood.  But the point is to not cut, right!?  So I guess I've been successful today.  That's something...

I'm still desperate to get wasted.  I've always preferred drugs over alcohol.  Legal or illegal is irrelevant.  When I was younger I smoked weed (a lot), I tried acid and shrooms (not for me- I'm already crazy without the help), and I did coke (powder)for a while.  I've always done pills and alcohol.  I even smoked crack for a while.  I'm one of those people who will do anything.  If it's offered to me I'll try it.  Thank god no one ever offered me heroin because I know that I would have loved it.  I know because my favorite pills are opiates.  I have actually had dreams about shooting heroin and I loved it.  I would wake from those dreams craving it.  I would pray that when I went back to sleep, my dream would continue.  Tell me I'm not fucked up.  I don't know what's going to end up happening.  I've gone to doctors "med seeking" in the past but I hate doing that.  You know what I prefer to do?  I hurt myself so that I legitimately need the drugs.  The thing is- I have an enormous threshold for pain.  Fuck............I really don't know what to do with myself right now.  If my husband knew how I was feeling he'd start calling around to find an inpatient unit that has a free bed.  I need to get my shit together.