I'm scared

For the past few months my mother has been going to a doctor because she had some blood tests that didn't come back normal.  She has some levels with her liver that show something is wrong.  So an ultrasound was done and masses were found on her liver.  I live over 1000 miles from my family so I have to hear all of this over the phone.  My mom has been down-playing the severity of what's going on.  She's trying to protect me because she knows that I am automatically thinking the worst.  She keeps saying "don't worry", "wait until we know more", etc.  So she was referred to a hematologist but when she received the pre-appointment paperwork it said The Cancer Center.  So her appointment is tomorrow, she got a call to reminder her of the appointment and at that time she was told that she should bring someone with her "for support".

I'm sorry but does any of this sound like it's something not to worry about?  I am so sick about all of this right now.  My husband is scared of how I'm handling everything.  He actually said that he thinks I'm fragile.  First his sister commits suicide and now this thing with my mom.  I asked him what he means by 'fragile' and he said that he's scared that I'm going to fall apart.  He pointed out that I've fallen apart (meaning becoming suicidal, disassociating and ending up in the hospital) when life isn't very stressful.  Some times I just lose my shit and get locked up.  Right now I feel fine but that doesn't mean anything because I've gone from great and functioning to hospitalized in less than 24 hours.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.  I'm trying to stay strong because my mom is scared that this is going to push me over the edge, my husband is scared that this will break me.  I'm kinda scared too, but I'm clinging to my sanity.  I can't afford to fall apart.  Who can?  I'm scared because I can see it happening.  It makes me feel weak.  Life isn't fair to anyone.  Why do I get to check out?  It's times like these that I really despise my "mental illness".  I know what's happening, I see it coming; but then it hits and I have zero control.  I'm just stressing myself out more.

this says and explains everything for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwwUZT4vD9E


It's scary but comforting at the same time.  The person who created this video seems to have lived my life, or I've lived theirs.  Add the rapes/sexual assaults and this explains how I ended up the way I am.

something to look forward to

It's really hard adjusting to the fact that someone you loved committed suicide.  It's been 17 days and I still want to cry.  It's really given me a new outlook.  I've attempted suicide 3 times, all 3 landed me in the ER and all 3 landed me in long-term psychiatric hospitalizations.  My sister-in-law was always someone that I could share those darkest feelings with without feeling judged.  I knew she understood; unfortunately she understood too well.  I know that I am in an okay place right now.  My medications are doing their job and I'm stable.  I'd like to say that I won't end up in a hospital again, but lets be real- I never thought that I would end up in one to begin with!  Let alone 5 separate times.  This is not who I wanted to be when I was a little girl but I'm slowly becoming okay with who I am.  It's about time- I'm closer to 40 than 30 at this point!

Today is my step-daughters 17th birthday!  God I feel old saying that.  I've been in her life since she was 5.  We never went with the whole "step daughter or mother" thing but I can't claim credit for her existence; but I can claim some credit for who she is today.  She's had some rough years and I worry about her at times.  She ran away from her mother's house a few times (when she was 13), got arrested, was doing drugs, having sex, got hospitalized and started cutting (that broke my heart!).  She got some counseling and was on medication for a while.  She's been doing good for the last 4 years.  Then last year one of her friends committed suicide, that was a rough time for her but she worked through it.  Then her aunt committed suicide a few weeks ago, that's been a little harder to work through but I think she's doing okay.

The thing that I'm looking forward to is- in 9 days we're going to Universal Studios for a whole week!  It's to celebrate my daughters' and husbands' birthdays.  We all need to have some brainless fun!  Universal is perfect for that and I can't wait.

Suicide- I still can't believe she did it

I know that I'm not coping with my sister-in-laws suicide right.  I just can't shut off my brain.  I can't seem to find any peace right now.  I know that she's only been dead for 4 days and no one expects me to just be over it.  We were so close for so many years.  She had a long history of mental illness and we always bonded over the fact that we could relate to each other.  My last suicide attempt, she was there for me.  I wasn't there for her when she needed me.  I've been drinking every day since she died.  I can't relax without it.  I go to bed at night and cry myself to sleep.  What's really starting to piss me off is all the fucking people asking the details of her suicide!  They are really asking how she did it.  What the fuck is wrong with people?  Also, my phone won't stop fucking ringing.  People are calling to express their condolences to my husband, nice right?  Well these people haven't had anything to do with my family in over 10 years and now they're calling all sad and crying- looking for us to comfort them!  Asking why she did this to them!?  My husband has buried his dad, mom and now sister all within the last 4 years.  We just need a fucking break from the world.

suicide

I just found out that my sister-in-law killed herself.  My husband and I are in shock.  Turns out she killed herself on Friday but no one found her till yesterday morning.  She left notes all over the place but we can't see them because the detectives have them.  My brother-in-law said that she took over 100 oxycontin.  I don't know what to do.  There's nothing I can do.  It's too late.  Why didn't we see it coming?  I wish I had been a better sister-in-law but none of that fucking matters anymore. 

I am so tired of the roller coaster.  I have a day like yesterday where I am full of self hatred and now I have today where I just don't care.  Going from such hate to nothing is exhausting.  You wouldn't think it would be, I mean- I'm not actually doing anything.   In trying not to cut I've spent the day resorting to the rubber band thing.  I snap my wrist when I want to cut.  I'm not sure I'm doing it right because the inside of my wrist has horrible welts on it and I actually drew blood.  But the point is to not cut, right!?  So I guess I've been successful today.  That's something...

I'm still desperate to get wasted.  I've always preferred drugs over alcohol.  Legal or illegal is irrelevant.  When I was younger I smoked weed (a lot), I tried acid and shrooms (not for me- I'm already crazy without the help), and I did coke (powder)for a while.  I've always done pills and alcohol.  I even smoked crack for a while.  I'm one of those people who will do anything.  If it's offered to me I'll try it.  Thank god no one ever offered me heroin because I know that I would have loved it.  I know because my favorite pills are opiates.  I have actually had dreams about shooting heroin and I loved it.  I would wake from those dreams craving it.  I would pray that when I went back to sleep, my dream would continue.  Tell me I'm not fucked up.  I don't know what's going to end up happening.  I've gone to doctors "med seeking" in the past but I hate doing that.  You know what I prefer to do?  I hurt myself so that I legitimately need the drugs.  The thing is- I have an enormous threshold for pain.  Fuck............I really don't know what to do with myself right now.  If my husband knew how I was feeling he'd start calling around to find an inpatient unit that has a free bed.  I need to get my shit together.

not this again

I am so tired right now.  Tired physically and tired mentally.  I'm tired of having to take pills everyday just so I can go out into the world and pretend that life is great because no one wants to hear when life isn't great.  I'm tired of the fact that I want to hurt myself constantly.  I'm wanting to drink more and I'm thinking about how I can get drugs to make me numb.  I have to be careful right now because times like these land me in the hospital 90% of the time.  My husband is noticing which means that I'm not doing so good pretending.  A month from now I'm going on vacation for 12 days, maybe that's why I'm weakening.  I have a temporary end in sight.

Does anyone else have much experience with different medications?  I've been on approximately 20 different meds over the last 10-15 years.  Right now I'm on Lamictal, Seroquel, and Wellbutrin.  I'm always on 3-5 different meds at any time.  I'm wondering if there's something out there that I haven't tried.  There must be.

I know I'm feeling bad for myself and it's pretty pitiful.  I just get resentful sometimes and I know that I need to find a way to deal with the things that eat at me.  But sometimes I can't deal.  I'm angry that I have to take pills everyday just to pretend that I'm normal.  Even with all these drugs in me my mind still screams "suicide" constantly.  I hate the men that raped me and sexually abused me!  I hate the fact that they are living their lives.  I hate that they killed me inside and have probably forgotten that I even exist.  I meant nothing to them yet they still haunt me today.  I can't forget that they exist and I wish I could!  God I fucking hate myself some days.